Crushed Velvet

This is an email that I sent to my friend, Sal, on why he should wear a crushed velvet tux for his wedding.

 from the dawn of time, man has had a love affair with crushed velvet.  how can one not enjoy the feel of it on ones skin.  many compare it to being snuggled up to your mamma's belly when you were just a little tot.  for years, all the gods wore crushed velvet to the local human sacrifice or mixer.  you just weren't in if you wore anything but velvet.  unlike silk, which can give you a nasty rash in hot weather, crushed velvet conforms to your every move.  gods couldn't be bothered with chaffing or embarrassing red marks left by other fabrics.  many people don't know this but cave men use to line their furs with crushed velvet.  the crushed velvet community has tried (with success) to keep this from being known.  somehow, they don't think the cave man is a good representative for this product.  when you think of crushed velvet nowadays, you think of glamour, style, success and good hygiene.  is it any wonder why a diamond ring is presented in all its glory in crushed velvet? is it any wonder why the lining of a kings crown is crushed velvet?  the popes gowns are all crushed velvet, the shroud of turin lays on crushed velvet, gibson guitar cases are lined with..........you guessed it, crushed velvet.  years ago this material was more precious than gold.  on the back of a dollar bill are the words 'annuit coptis'.  the translation for that is 'prosper us in our daring'.  where that originated was back in the year of our lord, prosperity came by way of the crushed velvet trade.  wearing crushed velvet was thought of as very daring and groovy.  thus 'prosper us in our daring'.  it all traces back to crushed velvet.  eve could not resist the 'velvet' like skin of the apple and look what happened to her.  the roman empire was built on the mass production of this material.  the mayan and inca people feared this material.  they dare not wear it  for they thought it was worthy only for gods to wear.  the ming dynasty in china built a wall thousands of miles long to keep the mongols from stealing their crushed velvet.  you may know it as the great wall but back then it was know as xing xu chan wha, which loosely translates to 'big fence for protect our velvet'.  in many countries, a marriage is not recognized unless the man wears a crushed velvet suit.  this signifies his love for his bride and the respect for the gods and at the same time looking quite suave.  that is why i beseech you to re-think your choice of what to wear on your wedding day.  you should not only feel good on this day but you should look good too.  and what better way to convey how good you look than with crushed velvet.