Internet Chat Rooms

Cheryl Thompson was 14 and liked to frequent chat rooms online. One day she met a funny, charming boy who was deep and intelligent. They talked all the time and eventually they decided to meet at the local mall. Once they met, Cheryl realized he was no boy. It was a motherfucking Chupacabra. Holy fucking shit!

Crushed Velvet

This is an email that I sent to my friend, Sal, on why he should wear a crushed velvet tux for his wedding.

 from the dawn of time, man has had a love affair with crushed velvet.  how can one not enjoy the feel of it on ones skin.  many compare it to being snuggled up to your mamma's belly when you were just a little tot.  for years, all the gods wore crushed velvet to the local human sacrifice or mixer.  you just weren't in if you wore anything but velvet.  unlike silk, which can give you a nasty rash in hot weather, crushed velvet conforms to your every move.  gods couldn't be bothered with chaffing or embarrassing red marks left by other fabrics.  many people don't know this but cave men use to line their furs with crushed velvet.  the crushed velvet community has tried (with success) to keep this from being known.  somehow, they don't think the cave man is a good representative for this product.  when you think of crushed velvet nowadays, you think of glamour, style, success and good hygiene.  is it any wonder why a diamond ring is presented in all its glory in crushed velvet? is it any wonder why the lining of a kings crown is crushed velvet?  the popes gowns are all crushed velvet, the shroud of turin lays on crushed velvet, gibson guitar cases are lined with..........you guessed it, crushed velvet.  years ago this material was more precious than gold.  on the back of a dollar bill are the words 'annuit coptis'.  the translation for that is 'prosper us in our daring'.  where that originated was back in the year of our lord, prosperity came by way of the crushed velvet trade.  wearing crushed velvet was thought of as very daring and groovy.  thus 'prosper us in our daring'.  it all traces back to crushed velvet.  eve could not resist the 'velvet' like skin of the apple and look what happened to her.  the roman empire was built on the mass production of this material.  the mayan and inca people feared this material.  they dare not wear it  for they thought it was worthy only for gods to wear.  the ming dynasty in china built a wall thousands of miles long to keep the mongols from stealing their crushed velvet.  you may know it as the great wall but back then it was know as xing xu chan wha, which loosely translates to 'big fence for protect our velvet'.  in many countries, a marriage is not recognized unless the man wears a crushed velvet suit.  this signifies his love for his bride and the respect for the gods and at the same time looking quite suave.  that is why i beseech you to re-think your choice of what to wear on your wedding day.  you should not only feel good on this day but you should look good too.  and what better way to convey how good you look than with crushed velvet.

The Call

    I was driving to the golf range when I got the call.  It was from my mom.  Her voice was shaky as she said my name in a question kind of way.  I knew right away what she was going to say.  My dad had passed.  I turned the car around and headed home.  I was numb.

    My dad was born in Cuba.  My grandparents fled Cuba in a tiny boat packed with people headed for America.  Things were so bad that they felt it was worth the risk to flee.  If you were caught fleeing, the punishment was death.  It was a powerful deterrent by the government to keep people from leaving.  My father, an infant at the time, was almost thrown overboard from screaming when his mother shoved a breast into his mouth and shut him up.   My father wanted to be an artist, he wanted to be a musician and a writer.  He became an insurance agent.  My father worked, married, bought a little house, fathered two children, smoked, worked, saved for a bigger house, bought a bigger car, learned to sail, quit smoking, worked until he retired from the insurance company.  He was dedicated to his family and provided us with everything.  Two years after my brother and I moved out, my parents divorced.  My father dated many women.  He would vacation in Europe, Asia and South America with his ‘girlfriend’ of the month.  My parents never vacationed alone when we were kids.  It was always a family trip to the mountains, skiing or some type of site seeing trip.  My mother had devoted her life to taking care of her kids, her husband and house.  My mother took the split very hard.  My mother would be crushed when she'd catch wind that  my father was on one of his many vacations with his new arm candy.  After a few years of dating, my father married a woman 20 years younger than him.  After a few years of marriage he started to forget things, often got confused, and his speech would sometimes be slurred.  When his wife started to notice his decline in health, she left.  Just got her things and left him without saying a word.  I’ve never felt such hate towards anyone like I did for her.  He tried hiding his condition from us for as long as he could.  He didn’t want to be a burden to us.  It was his nature not to show weakness or helplessness.  He had been a person who always had control in his life.  He had always been the caregiver, not the one needing care.  Then, one day he just showed up at my mother’s door.  Twelve years after they divorced, they remarried.  They were in each other presence every day, not ever being away from each other for more than minutes at a time. Mom cared for him up to the end. He took his last breath cradled in my mother’s arms.   

   I used to fall asleep on my dads stomach as we lay in the living room floor watching cartoons.  Anything that broke of mine, he would fix.  He was and will always be my hero.  I miss my dad. 

Life On The Rocks

As I get older the more I look back on my childhood.  So many great memories of people that have long left my life and this world.  So many events that I cherish, that to this day when I think of them move me to tears of joy and of heartbreak.  The days of feeling invincible are long gone.  The grim reaper is stalking me and each time I look over my shoulder he’s gets closer and closer.   Why does  the thirst for life get greater as the well gets emptier?  So drink up, before the grim reaper announces last call. 

Cinco Sinko

  So the end finally came.  Five years.  Five God damn years.  He thought that no matter what, they could always work things out.  Heck, even with all her faults, like drinking too much, being selfish, twisting the truth from time to time and her ever changing moods, he thought there wasn't anything they couldn't overcome.  He loved her and he knew she loved him too.  

    So he comes home early one night and catches her in bed with some Joe.  He snaps and breaks this guys nose.  As he stands over the guy, whose in a fetal position holding his bloodied nose, and he knows its over.  Just like that.  One minute he's living with the girl he loves and in an instant, without warning, its over.

  What really chapped his hide about the five years, was that they weren't just any five years. He'd been with her since he was twenty two till he was twenty seven.  Shit, those are a man's prime fucking years.  He could just kick himself for all the times he resisted temptation, and there had been many times when the opportunity for some action came his way.  He'd been faithful every single day of those five years.   

  A few days later, he sends her a letter.  She is now living with this 'Joe'.  In the letter he writes, 'I never want to see you again.  That means NEVER!  You are a pretentious, rude, vindictive person.  I should have listened to what my friends have been telling me for years.  None of them ever really liked you.  They would tell me you weren't the right person for me.  I wouldn't listen because i was blinded by love.  Deep inside I knew you were shit, but I always hoped that deep inside you, there was goodness waiting to mature and show itself.  I could care less now.  If you ever see me at a bar, restaurant or any other public place, you are to leave immediately.  You need to return all my cd's, books, tee shirts and whatever else you might have of mine by the end of the week.  You are never to call my sister.  I know you guys have become chummy, but that's over.  I'll be talking with her tomorrow and I know she'll just flip when I tell her what you did.  And stay away from my friends.  Do these four simple things and everything will be groovy.  And why will you do what I'm asking?  Simple.  I've got five years of visual records of our bedroom olympics.  I could care less who sees my cock or my ass.  Remember, I'm the one who's more comfortable with their body.  I will not hesitate in sending your parents and friends these pictures.  So, do we have a deal?  Return my shit and stay out of my sight and out of my life.  A year from now, if all my conditions are met, I promise i will destroy all the pictures.  You've got my word on it and you know I keep my word.  So I guess that's it'.    

Birthday

So, another birthday rolled around for me yesterday (5/20). Lets see, how many does that make now? 50. Geez, when you see it in print, it looks like a big number. I feel nowhere near 50. One of these days I'll start acting my age but I don't see that happening anytime soon. As far as birthdays go, I guess 50 is pretty much a milestone. I guess that's old in most people's eyes, except those of us who are near 50 or past 50. Old or not, I wouldn't trade being 50 to being in my 20's or 30's. I see life so differently nowadays. I have little tolerance for life's bullshit, my priorities have made major rearrangements and I look back at so many things I wish I could have done differently. If I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't have any reason to complain. I've lived a life that has been over blessed. I thank my lucky stars daily for being so fortunate. I hope to live for many, many more years and I hope that I am able to retain all the memories of all the people that have been cast members in my life. When life hits me with 'last call', i hope to slip under the radar and exit unnoticeably. But until that day comes, I'm gonna keep partying like it's 1999.